the walk

It’s been a while since I have mused in blog form. Another reason I am thankful for today…I am taking the time to do things I love. It helps me to put my thoughts down on paper (or online in this case)…it’s like it holds me more accountable…not just to myself, but to God.

While most of the Houstonians were watching the game today, I took a wonderful nap on the couch and then ventured outside for a walk. I still don’t know who won the game, but I am sure the second I log on to facebook, therein lies the answer. My walk was much more important though, so I have no regrets.

My walking destination was Hermann Park in the Museum District. A few stops down on the rail and I had arrived. However, when I got off the rail I realized that I had never walked the loop around Rice University, so I made a game-time decision and crossed Main St.

I noticed all the “pretty people” jogging. No one was making eye contact, which bothered me at first, but then I just accepted it and chose not to look up either. I noticed all the buildings that made up the campus and thought about all the learning that takes place inside the walls of that university. I reflected on my time at Duke…I was just as proud of my higher education as any one of those smart Rice people, so I found myself walking proudly in my DUKE tshirt. I noticed all the beautiful homes, lined with huge trees. Before too long, I was simply self-absorbed…wishing I was more beautiful, wishing I was jogging instead of walking, wishing I had an MBA, wishing I had a quaint little bungalow lined with trees.

After I finished the loop, I was pretty content with the exercise portion of my day, so I headed towards the rail. I crossed back over Main St. to the rail platform, but something was drawing me to keep going and cross over Fannin St. to the park…my original destination. I thought, “Okay, I’ll just take a stroll around the reflection pool and then head home.” So, I crossed the street.

I noticed all the kids playing ball. I noticed all the families placed on blankets that were too small sharing a bag of chips. I noticed the teenage couples who think they’re in love. I noticed the new dad taking video of his wife and tiny infant. I noticed the homeless men and women taking a nap. I noticed lots of people who weren’t “pretty people.” I noticed the ducks swimming in the dirty water. There was life all around me, and it felt so different from my loop across the street. I was so taken by the scene that I sat and watched kids play in the fountains…their giggles, as the water from the ground squirted them in the face, were infectious. A little boy with big blue eyes came up to me and said hello…he was not afraid to make eye contact.

I found myself thinking about God. I wondered what God thinks when God looks down on us, especially those of us who polarize ourselves with our higher education, beautiful homes and self-absorbed thoughts. I found myself wondering about the lives of those around me. I wondered if they knew God. I wondered if they felt loved. I wondered if they wished they were on the other side of the street.

I am not sure why this little venture outside today impacted me so much, but I was reminded of something pretty fundamental: I know God loves each of us very much, but when we become self-absorbed it breaks God’s heart. God is calling each of us to cross the street and experience life that causes us to think about God and others. Now my task is to figure out how to best put this belief into action. I feel led to do something more, but I don’t know what that something more is right now. May God forgive me for being self-absorbed and may this musing (and any of you!), hold me more accountable to listening to God for some answers.

the wedding

this weekend i officiated keith and ashley's wedding. what a blessing to have such a significant role at the wedding of two people who i have known since i was 4 years old! that's right, the three of us started school at parkdale baptist in corpus christi, then we followed each other to middle school, high school, texas a&m, and then all ended up in dallas too!

this couple never officially dated until 2yrs ago, but they have been good friends to each other throughout their entire lives as individuals. it's really beautiful to see God's plan unfold. their love for each other is bound up in their love for God. you can't help but be joyful when in their presence.

although there are many reasons why i love each of them, i think ashely's courage and keith's compassion are two of the biggest reasons. my sweet ashely has been battling breast cancer over the last year. she is doing so well, but she had her share of chemo and radiation leading up to the wedding. we all know that those treatments can take a toll on you in various ways, including hair loss and ashley was not immune to it. ashley has always had the most beautiful long hair, so as one would imagine, she wanted her hair to be just that on her wedding day. well, after a series of events, ashely had a choice to make and she decided to take her wig off and go natural to the reception. SHE WAS STUNNING! i was so proud of her for being so vulnerable. i can't imagine what it was like for her to feel so exposed, because she has not wanted much attention surrounding her cancer. however, her confidence in who she is as a child of God who is surrounded by God's love and the love of family and friends gave her the courage to experience freedom. i was overwhelmed with joy watching her be so free. and, then there was keith...he loves her so much. watching him be with her when it was clearly difficult, how he encouraged her and told her how beautiful she is also brought joy to us all. way to go friend!

may we all experience such freedom.

the first week in midtown

here are some "midtown musings" from my first week:

i love the metro rail system: 6 minute walk from my door to the rail stop. everyday this week a train has come within 2 minutes of my arrival. 6 stops later is methodist hospital. get out, walk across the street and i'm in the lobby...total commute time on day one was 20minutes!! subsequent days proved to be just as good!!

i confirmed that the bar across the street is only open on weekends, so that combined with a little white noise via a small blizzard fan to drown out the sounds of any normal cars passing by meant good, non-interrupted sleep!

throughout the week some friends accompanied me as we tried out a few local eateries and attractions/events...here is a photo journal

kk and i walked hermann park

we tested out the tex-mex across the street from my apartment

a group of us gathered at coco's crepes...byow on a friday night is nice!

then we went to mosaic theatre to see john ramsey and a couple other up and coming comics. i have not laughed that hard in a long time. the show benefited john and his wife, who are moving to kenya for a year so he can serve with international justice mission and she can work in a local children's hospital. check out ijm. such a cool organization.

emily and i walked to the midtown farmer's market on saturday

the farmer's market is in the parking lot of monica pope's (renowned chef) restaurant, t'afia. she was outside under a tent giving a cooking lesson that morning!

then we walked next door to tacos a go go. YUM! breakfast tacos all day long!

the end to the week (and best part of it!) was a visit from mom, her friend karen, my brother ryan, kim, jacob and josh. it was jacob's 8th birthday, and he was surprised with tickets to the texans vs cowboys game. we all had a great time, even though the cowboys got spanked. it was brought to my attention that i don't really know who i am for now...12 years in dallas, but now i live in houston! hmmm.

so, as i sit here in my apartment with yummy chocolate chip pumpkin bread baking in the oven and reflecting on my week, i am so thankful. the pictures above are just a few of the good things that have made my week. i have spent quality time with people who matter to me, and conversations have begun with people at the hospital who will be a significant part of my journey. this coming week marks the start of my permanent position as a staff chaplain, and i am preparing to officiate the wedding of two childhood friends on saturday in dallas. thank you God, for all the many blessings in my life.

the apartment

the last four days has been a whirlwind...

i packed.

i moved.

i unpacked.

i put things in it's place.
i learned a lot about my new neighborhood.

thanks to mom for coming to town for the weekend to join in the work and the fun, as well as steph and her family, NATIONWIDE MOVERS (love those guys), bryan, kc & jojo, kk, kyle & brenda, emily & karen. and thanks to all those who supported me from a distance...i felt so loved!

bottom line is that i love my new place! i can't wait to hop on the rail in the morning and not even get in my car...a far cry from the hour and fifteen minute commute i was doing from katy. i look forward to more visitors, so if you find yourself in houston, come on by! in the meantime, here is a sneak peek at the place...

view from my entrance...it's just one big room with a small balcony

kitchen...might be my favorite part of the place

view from the balcony doors

this entertainment stand is my favorite new piece of furniture

looking into my bedroom...i have another balcony off my room

bedroom view from balcony side

bathroom...i'm sure this didn't need a caption!

standing on living room balcony looking at downtown. that second balcony is my bedroom.

sketchy strip center across the street from me. a.k.a. escobar night club that wants to believe it resides in nyc. it's so loud. friday @ 2am i wondered if i had made a horrible mistake moving here. saturday night was much more calm. i'll keep you posted on this...

a sign of good friends...

the move

it's the eve of move day. a.k.a. the last night in katy.

exactly one year ago this weekend i moved here, so i just made steph have "reflection time" with me. i sat in her chair in her bedroom as she cleaned out her dresser, and we did a year in review. we remembered some of the places we have been (israel, iowa, retreats, our homes, conference, the beach), some of the things that became our rituals (walks, scones when we needed a pick me up, watching various tv shows), some of our favorite foods (salads with peppers and avacados, kashi pizza, dove dark chocolate, sonic ice), and some of the people who have come and gone in our lives (funny how this category made the most memories!). we realized how much we have grown as individuals this year. in different ways, we have both been challenged, and i am so thankful that we had each other. she is the kind of friend that encourages honesty and gives me the space to be myself. i will miss seeing her everyday, and i will never find the words to express how grateful i am for her sharing her home with me. it was not only a refuge from the world, but it literally allowed me to live into the calling God placed on my life. without her generosity, i don't know if i could have moved here to do the residency at the hospital, and it was through this residency that God revealed another step in my journey.

i hope everyone has someone in their life like steph has been for me. and if you do, tell them you love them and thank God for such a gift.

love you, steph!

the party

being in austin last weekend for mom's 60th birthday & retirement party was just what the doctor ordered...these last few weeks have been rough at work, but all that stress was left behind for this celebration! i am SO thankful to God for my mom. she has loved me unconditionally and sacraficed much in her life as an expression of that love. hope you always remember how much you are loved, mom! here are a few photos from the night...

our "food network" elvis cake

the cake & party favor table

"happy trails, the best is yet to come" trail mix for the drive home!

mom & elvis, of course

i'm pretty sure this was the "love me tender" serenade

mom & me-mom

my grandmother who is not scared to party at the local sports bar with us!

my favorite brother & sister-in-law

ryan & kim

***BONUS PHOTO***

i also got to hang out with these two amazing nephews...jacob and josh!

welcome home to their new puppy, bailey!

the balloon

balloons. for me there was always something about them that made me happy. bouquets at birthday parties, a single balloon tied around my wrist, or even watching one float up in the sky with wonder. always happy, unless someone came along and popped it. then, happiness turned to fright at the sound of the pop and then fright turned to sadness at the loss of that simple thing that was no longer there...and it all happened in an instant.

that's what this past week felt like for me. the balloon that was tied to my wrist on the day that i was offered my permanent position at the hospital was suddenly popped...it was shocking and scary in the moment, but the real feelings of sadness and loss of dreams is what makes each day so hard right now. but wait...I STILL HAVE A JOB...i keep reminding myself of that, especially in times when lots of people don't have jobs. however, things have changed.

very unexpectedly, the director of the spiritual care department was terminated last friday. no one really knows why...even he was shocked by the news. it was a jolting reminder that big businesses all function the same, at times executives don't see eye to eye, and often one exerts power over another that changes people's lives forever. i'm just one of hundreds that have been affected by his unfortunate circumstance. the stories told this week about how he has impacted lives is overwhelming.

as i continue to grieve the loss over the separation, i struggle with feelings of anger and just plain sadness for him and for me. i felt so strongly that we were all in the will of God as we dreamed about the programs at the hospital that i would eventually be a part of under his leadership. as he stood with me at my ordination, it was symbolically marking the beginning of this new direction in ministry, and i was filled with joy. the future of those ministries is uncertain now, and that makes me uneasy.

as a person of faith and one who ultimately trusts in God, i have been asking a lot of questions this week. i don't know what my job will look like come september, so once again i find myself trying to be patient in the waiting. but with each day, the haze is lifting, and i am beginning to imagine again. so, here's what i'm thinking today: maybe the balloon didn't pop...maybe it just came untied from my wrist and has floated off, leaving me to wonder where it will end up.

the beach

it's friday early evening. 100 or so youth+adults arrive at 33rd street and seawall in galveston. youth are running in the sand towards the water to play after a long week of working on hurricane ike recovery projects and the adults are STILL silently working...this time they are setting up tech equipment, building a frame out of 2x4's that would later serve as a projection screen, and getting ready for a bbq dinner.

watching all this unfold was a little bit of home for me, and it was bittersweet. i was so happy to reunite with all my people at st. andrew umc (and not be one of those adults working!), but i was also a little sad that for the first time in 9yrs i had not been a part of a saumc mission trip. i really miss this time of year and the worship with this group that makes me feel so close to God.

as the sun set, stan led us in a time of worship...our view was miles of water and miles of sky lit by a half moon and twinkling stars. so beautiful!! as we sang, our praises were not only heard by the heavens, but by the passerbys on the seawall who stopped to join us. it reminded me of what it might have been like when john wesley preached in the streets...curiosity might just be the catalyst for an eternal relationship with the Creator of universe.

this is one of the songs we sang...

How He Loves by David Crowder

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

may God continue to bless the ministry at st. andrew umc and all those curious youth. it changed my life forever.

the shoes (part 2)

As I reflect on these last couple of weeks, I keep coming back to my shoes. Something really big happened on Tuesday night. I was ordained a deacon in The United Methodist Church. I don’t know how to describe what happened in that moment, but the moment was huge. What I remember most was the weight of Bishop Huie’s hands on my head as she said, “Stacy, take authority as a deacon to proclaim the Word of God and to lead God's people to sesrve in the world in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.” It was as if she was pressing those words into my very being…it was heavy, but it felt like I was right where God intended me to be. I was overwhelmed with joy.

Now, back to the shoes. I love shoes. One of the hardest things about settling into hospital ministry is that I don’t get to wear fun shoes. Remember those clogs I wrote about back in September? I sport those shoes EVERY DAY. So what made these last couple of weeks extra fun was that I got to wear shoes other than those clogs!

First up, Tina and Josh’s wedding in Cincinnati. I was blessed to stand with Tina as she married Josh. Over the course of 4 days, I experienced lots of laughter, storytelling, games and dancing with a few of my favorite friends from Duke…and these gold heels accompanied me.



Next I headed to The Woodlands for the Texas Annual Conference. It was here that I not only listened to reports and sermons centered on our theme “Extravagant Generosity,” but I experienced it as well. I can’t even begin to express what it felt like to have so many friends and family come to stand in support and celebration as I was ordained…and these fun black wedges got a work out during those 4 days.


Then, the girls headed to Galveston! Five of the seven of us (Stephanie, Emily, Paige, Romonica, and me) were ordained this year. Taylor paved the way for us last year and Elizabeth is right behind us next year. We went from the porch swing to the pool to the living room and then did it all over again the next day and the next. So relaxing…and if I was wearing shoes, these flip flops were it.




Finally, I closed out my time away by “swinging by the hospital for a little 12hr on call.” It was too hot to put on my suit (work suit, not bathing suit!) in Galveston, so I decided to change when I got to the hospital. I remember thinking, “Oh great, no more fun shoes…back to the boring clogs.” But then something big happened. I slipped on those clogs and even though they are heavy and not the most stylish, they felt AMAZING. I felt like I was right where God intended me to be. I was overwhelmed with joy. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me now! Oh, and please don't be jealous of these beauties...

the teenager

so the last 10days have been heavy. last weekend i went back to the ruah center for a 24hr silent retreat. no super profound revelations from God like last time, which is why i never sat down to write about it when i got home. i felt a little weighed down by my own thoughts and slightly depleted during, but by the end i did feel alive and full of God. and, as i reflect on the last week, i sense that God gave me that time to prepare me for conversations and interactions with people in the hospital where i would feel much of the same.

although there were many people i could write about this week, i'm going to stay focused on just one...i'll call him "the teenager." he is 16yrs old and in my heart failure unit. muscular dystrophy is attacking his heart. he had a pacemaker put in a few weeks ago and and LVAD just over a week ago. WHAT?!?! seriously. he has a wire coming out of his stomach that he keeps plugged into a machine that does all the work that the heart normally does so that his heart can strengthen.

i had the JOY of being there as his mom learned how to use his new machine and the battery packs so he can actually go places a few hours at a time. i went with them on their first journey with the batteries...we wheeled him outside to the healing garden where he breathed fresh air for the first time in 3 weeks. he was so thankful and knew how to express that...at the age of 16. let me repeat...he was thankful that he was able to carry a battery pack around that allowed him to stay "plugged in" which is what is keeping him alive right now. let's talk about keeping things in perspective.

some of my favorite moments with him this week: he asked me everyday where my aggie ring was and was super happy when i remembered to wear it on friday. he loved to talk college basketball and tell me about his girlfriend. he asked me to take him to the chapel and while we were in there he asked me to pray for him. i wish he did not have to be in the hospital, but i selfishly can't wait to spend more time with him this week.

over the weekend stephanie introduced me to these poems written by another teenager who fought muscular dystrophy...mattie j.t. stepanek...he was oprah and today show famous. he has since passed away, but his life is still touching many people. one of his poems spoke to me, so i'm including it today...it's about thankfulness and helps capture what the teenager taught me this week.

may God continue to put people in my life like the teenager and mattie who weigh heavy on my heart and make me feel depleted with sadness, yet who have been the people God works through to bring about life and fullness in me.

on being thankful
by mattie j.t. stepanek

dear God,
i was going to thank you tonight
for a beautiful sunrise,
that was pink behind the fog down the hill,
and for a wonderful rainbow,
that i ran under pointing to
all my favorite colors,
and for such a great sunset,
that sparkled orange across the water.
i was going to thank you tonight
for all of these special gifts,
except that none of them happened.
but do you know what?
i still love you, God.
and i have lots of other things
that i can thank you for tonight,
even if you didn't give those
very special gifts to me today.
it's okay, God,
because i'll look for them all again,
when my tomorrow comes.
amen.

november 1995

the mom

well, i just spent 13hrs on call in the hospital. it was non-stop. and, i have never received so many "happy mother's day" wishes...i learned to just smile, say "thank you" and move on. no need to make others feel awkward, right? this easily could have worked me up, but one visit today kept things in perspective.

i sat with a mom who watched her son take his last breath. i immediately thought this must be the worst mother's day ever. my heart was breaking for her. and then without prompting she said that she'd just received the most wonderful mother's day gift...she was thankful that he is no longer trapped in his body...she imagined him dancing and running and being embraced by God and that made her smile. then, i watched her as she opened the card that his caretaker bought for him to sign today...he never got a chance to sign it, but she read it and whispered to him that she would treasure it forever. ughh. what a moment. she gave thanks to God for entrusting him to her for 27years. she chose to acknowledge God in the midst of something very painful.

i was reminded of a couple of things today. one, sitting with others in their pain can sometimes be the best medicine for my own pain. focusing on others helps me get outside of my own thoughts. two, i can choose to acknowledge God in the midst of a painful or somewhat uncomfortable circumstance and be thankful for the blessings i have been given. hmmm. not always easy. God, help me to be more like that mom today.

happy mother's day to all the mom's out there...and if you're not a mom, don't just smile, say "thank you"and move on...say a little prayer for your mom or anyone who has ever been a mom to you. we have all been blessed by someone.

the new beginnings

yesterday i had the joy of co-officiating floyd and michelle's wedding in plano. first time back since the move. their wedding was probably one of the most worshipful weddings i have ever been to. i was crying when she walked down the aisle to david crowder's "how he loves." i had to pull it together and remind myself that i was the pastor. God was glorified by the entire service and witnessing floyd and michelle become husband and wife made me say, "this is what marriage is supposed to be." i can't wait to see how God uses them as they have committed to love and serve together for the rest of their lives. what a beautiful new beginning.

now speaking of new beginnings...i am in a place in my life where i can't help but be thankful for some new beginnings of my own.

first up, i'm going to be on staff permanently at the methodist hospital after my residency is over in august! back in january, i expressed my desire to stay on board and God made some things happen. we haven't formally come up with my job description, but it will be some patient care (i'll be the staff chaplain for certain areas of the hospital), some work with our lay ministry program (teaching for our institute and college that equips lay people to be ministers in the hospital on a volunteer basis, leading spiritual formation retreats, etc.), some administrative work for the department and hopefully making some efforts to keep the hospital connected with the conference and the local churches. my hope is that my primary focus is with the lay ministry, and i think that is where it's headed. i love the people i will be working alongside and the overall feel of the hospital. i get excited about going to work, and i dream about all the opportunities this new beginning will present.

next up, with the new job comes a new place to live! i just put a deposit down on a super cool apartment in midtown. it's a new mid-rise, and it's all about location, location, location. it's small, but i love it! the little balconies off my main room and my bedroom offer me a view of downtown when looking left...so fun. one of the best perks of the place is that it is one block from the light rail, so no more driving to work! a little change from the hour commute i do now. just a short walk, then 5 stops later on the rail i'm at the front doors of methodist! yes, urban living, here i come. yet, another new beginning...

so just when we think that the sun is setting on our world, we wake up to another sunrise and are reminded that our God is a creating God who loves us so much that new beginnings are being offered endlessly.

the bake day

another great weekend. beautiful weather. saw kk and kyle's new house. had time to rest and time to PLAY with our refugee friends! this time we had options...games at the park or baking at the church. i opted for the baking. so fun to see these girls crack an egg for the first time and use a measuring cup. one of our amazing young adults at hcumc, liz, organized the day and captured some of the fun on camera...

the reminder

the best part of my day...

walking down the hall, seeing an 85yr old man sitting on the edge of his bed in a dimly lit room, and making a split decision to stop in. i introduced myself and pulled up a chair next to his bed. during the course of the conversation i learned that he has no surviving family accept 2 step children who call and come by as often as they can. i asked him what he had been thinking about. he replied that he doesn't know what he thinks anymore. his loneliness made me sad.

so why would that be the best part of my day? because for a moment i was used by God to remind this man that he is loved by God. and in that moment i was reminded of how loved i am by God too.

if you're reading this, know that regardless of where you are or who you are that God is pursuing you and loves you beyond your imagination...even when you feel like an 85yr old man sitting in a dimly lit room who doesn't know what to think anymore.

the encounter

these last couple of days in the hospital have been a blessing. in my last post i spoke about the bondage experienced by so many of those who find themselves here. i prayed that God would encounter those who are hurting...well, God's doing a pretty good job...encountering me.

i sat with this sweet woman this morning as her husband died. what a gift to be with someone during such an intimate time. she told me stories about their lives as we waited for her daughters to arrive. here is my reflection to remind me of this sacred encounter...

The Dance

"May I have this dance?"
He asked confidently.

"Of course."
She answered sweetly.

The beginning of a new life together,
where their shining moment
was a dance
in their boots
in Hollywood.

"I'll miss you."
She said tearfully.

One last breath.
He breathed peacefully.

The beginning of a new life yet again,
where their shining moment
will be a dance
in their boots
in Heaven.

To be heard by everyone.

the rollercoaster

up, up, up we go, then down so fast that it feels like our stomach is going to fall out...it's a crazy feeling. but, for me, riding a rollercoaster is totally worth it!

it's the second sunday of easter. for many, the season of lent and the celebration of our risen Lord feels like weeks ago...not just days ago. so much happens in a week. our lives go in directions we could not have imagined. many of us experience moments of doubt and fear and then thank God most of us return to a life of assurance and faith, but only by the grace of God.

i am thankful for the moments that bring me back to that life of assurance and faith in a good God who has a good plan for me. sipping on a good cup of saturday morning coffee, jump roping and playing soccer with our refugee friends, enjoying the weather, and taking little maggie for a wagon ride around the neighborhood today are little reminders that i am right where i need to be...on the rollercoaster.

tonight i will find myself on call in the hospital from 7p-7a...a place where people are most likely not experiencing the joy i experienced this weekend. sickness and disease keep them in bondage; their bodies are unable to be so free. my prayer is that God meets them right in the midst of their doubt and fear so that they may either return or find for the very first time the joy that comes from a life of assurance and faith. or maybe the joy will simply come in knowing that they are on a rollercoaster and they are not alone.

thank you, God, for sitting next to us on the ride...

the last month

i don't even know where to begin. it's been over a month since i have posted. it feels like a year. so much has happened. the purpose of this blog was to capture this year in writing, and the last month has been a pretty significant month, so it makes me sad that i have not jotted down my thoughts and feelings as a reminder. here's my attempt to do a quick recap...a simply selfish act, so don't feel obligated to read...

wednesdays started out easy (my lenten practice of fasting), but have become hard. it's not always fun to feel less than great and be so introspective on what is keeping me from being in a more perfect relationship with God.

i was blessed by two retreats...one with the women of hcumc and one with the youth of saumc. seeing the stars reminded me of God's promises (and now this is a reminder that i was comforted then!) and singing worship songs with my st. andrew people was so renewing.

my good friend allie from duke spent a week with me. so fun. first weekend was full of reminiscing and laughs with several duke friends and a little basketball. we celebrated the upcoming marriage of tina and josh. throughout the week allie and i had good conversations, and i was reminded of how our friendship is truly a gift.

experiences in the hospital took me to the edge. situations i didn't know how to handle pushed my boundaries. i learned that authentically caring for others and revealing a genuine part of myself can be dangerous. i've also realized how hard it is to hear "do you have a family? kids of your own? oh, you're so beautiful"...i seriously hear something like this on average every other day...on the surface they seem harmless, but the reality is that it's often very painful.

i took a couple long walks with God to welcome in spring. i'm pretty sure i heard God answer a prayer i had been praying fervently...it just wasn't the answer i was looking for. so, once again i call upon my faith and trust in God's provision. it's so much easier said than done.

my mom, brother and his family spent the weekend with me. being around them brings me so much joy. jacob and josh are little reminders of how gracious God is to God's people.

and to wrap up...i was approved for ordination as a deacon in the united methodist church. hmmm...still not sure how to articulate what that feels like. there is both joy and fear. i feel confident that i am in God's will, but sometimes i wonder where i am being led and why i have been chosen for such a task.

as our journeys get closer to the cross (holy week), i think about Jesus carrying that cross up to his death. i know we all have a cross to bear...it just scares me to think about what mine might be.

the ashes

today is ash wednesday. it marks the beginning of lent for christians, which is a 40 day period when we reflect on our relationship with God, repent, and are reminded of our mortality. as you saw people marked with the cross on their foreheads today they were mostly likely told:

"repent and believe in the gospel" or "remember you are dust, and to dust you will return."

i love the season of lent. last night i kind of got butterflies in my stomach thinking about it starting today. may each of us take some time to reflect. may our reflection not be the end, but the means to an end that equals action...repenting means actually turning away from whatever it is that is keeping us from being in a more right relationship with God. i pray that is revealed to me, and i pray that i have the courage to change.

the second to last interview

one step away, people...one step away.

yesterday i interviewed with three people who represented the Board of Ordained Ministry. they were the three who read all that stuff i turned in a few weeks ago. they were the three who were sent to see if i could articulate my effectiveness for ministry over the last two years. they were the three who voted to send me on to the FINAL interview on march 22nd. it's schedule for 9:30am at lakeveiw retreat center in palestine, texas.

thanks for all those prayers. oh, and a big thanks to God for always being with me. some of you may have already read this story that i wrote yesterday, but i wanted to post it here too, so i can be reminded of it.

"Something really cool happened to me as I was waiting for the rail this afternoon in front of the hospital (on my way to the interview). This man was sitting alone. It was beautiful outside. It was unusually quiet in the Med Center. Once I was close enough for him to talk to me he said, "I just love this fresh air. It reminds me of when I was a kid and used to go outside at night and look up at the stars. We just don't take the time to do stuff like that anymore...we just get so caught up in stuff. I don't even know the last time I saw stars.. I feel like I just need to slow down, take in this fresh air and go to the lake or something tonight so I can see the stars." The conversation continued and a rush of thoughts and emotions came over me. He almost quoted several lines of a sermon I preached last week. It was somewhat frightening. I seriously felt like I was having a conversation with God.

The sermon was about God speaking to Abram and saying "Come outside...Look toward heaven and count the stars if you are able to count them." Gen 15:5. In context, God was asking Abram to step outside his own doubt and anxiety and be reminded of God's promise...a promise to give him offspring in abundance, just like the number of stars in the sky. In that moment today, I snapped out of my own doubt and anxiety and was reminded of the promises God has made to me. I trusted that God has called me to be right where I am. I had a peace that was not there just moments before."

Thanks for being on the journey with me...

the park

these are lyrics of a song by isreal houghton that stephanie and i just sang out loud in our living room:

lord you are good

and your mercy

endureth forever

people from every nation and tongue

from generation to generation

we worship you, hallelujah, hallelujah

we worship you, for who you are

you are good

our singing was a response to our fun day! the weather is BEAUTIFUL here. finally the sun is shining and no clouds in sight. our young adult sunday school class spent the day at the park with 27 kids from an apartment complex in the westbury area. these kids represent families who have migrated from nepal, rwanda, liberia, congo, burma, burundi. not a whole lot of conversation, but a whole lot of play. soccer, pb&j and a few muddy puddles. pure goodness.