the teenager

so the last 10days have been heavy. last weekend i went back to the ruah center for a 24hr silent retreat. no super profound revelations from God like last time, which is why i never sat down to write about it when i got home. i felt a little weighed down by my own thoughts and slightly depleted during, but by the end i did feel alive and full of God. and, as i reflect on the last week, i sense that God gave me that time to prepare me for conversations and interactions with people in the hospital where i would feel much of the same.

although there were many people i could write about this week, i'm going to stay focused on just one...i'll call him "the teenager." he is 16yrs old and in my heart failure unit. muscular dystrophy is attacking his heart. he had a pacemaker put in a few weeks ago and and LVAD just over a week ago. WHAT?!?! seriously. he has a wire coming out of his stomach that he keeps plugged into a machine that does all the work that the heart normally does so that his heart can strengthen.

i had the JOY of being there as his mom learned how to use his new machine and the battery packs so he can actually go places a few hours at a time. i went with them on their first journey with the batteries...we wheeled him outside to the healing garden where he breathed fresh air for the first time in 3 weeks. he was so thankful and knew how to express that...at the age of 16. let me repeat...he was thankful that he was able to carry a battery pack around that allowed him to stay "plugged in" which is what is keeping him alive right now. let's talk about keeping things in perspective.

some of my favorite moments with him this week: he asked me everyday where my aggie ring was and was super happy when i remembered to wear it on friday. he loved to talk college basketball and tell me about his girlfriend. he asked me to take him to the chapel and while we were in there he asked me to pray for him. i wish he did not have to be in the hospital, but i selfishly can't wait to spend more time with him this week.

over the weekend stephanie introduced me to these poems written by another teenager who fought muscular dystrophy...mattie j.t. stepanek...he was oprah and today show famous. he has since passed away, but his life is still touching many people. one of his poems spoke to me, so i'm including it today...it's about thankfulness and helps capture what the teenager taught me this week.

may God continue to put people in my life like the teenager and mattie who weigh heavy on my heart and make me feel depleted with sadness, yet who have been the people God works through to bring about life and fullness in me.

on being thankful
by mattie j.t. stepanek

dear God,
i was going to thank you tonight
for a beautiful sunrise,
that was pink behind the fog down the hill,
and for a wonderful rainbow,
that i ran under pointing to
all my favorite colors,
and for such a great sunset,
that sparkled orange across the water.
i was going to thank you tonight
for all of these special gifts,
except that none of them happened.
but do you know what?
i still love you, God.
and i have lots of other things
that i can thank you for tonight,
even if you didn't give those
very special gifts to me today.
it's okay, God,
because i'll look for them all again,
when my tomorrow comes.
amen.

november 1995

the mom

well, i just spent 13hrs on call in the hospital. it was non-stop. and, i have never received so many "happy mother's day" wishes...i learned to just smile, say "thank you" and move on. no need to make others feel awkward, right? this easily could have worked me up, but one visit today kept things in perspective.

i sat with a mom who watched her son take his last breath. i immediately thought this must be the worst mother's day ever. my heart was breaking for her. and then without prompting she said that she'd just received the most wonderful mother's day gift...she was thankful that he is no longer trapped in his body...she imagined him dancing and running and being embraced by God and that made her smile. then, i watched her as she opened the card that his caretaker bought for him to sign today...he never got a chance to sign it, but she read it and whispered to him that she would treasure it forever. ughh. what a moment. she gave thanks to God for entrusting him to her for 27years. she chose to acknowledge God in the midst of something very painful.

i was reminded of a couple of things today. one, sitting with others in their pain can sometimes be the best medicine for my own pain. focusing on others helps me get outside of my own thoughts. two, i can choose to acknowledge God in the midst of a painful or somewhat uncomfortable circumstance and be thankful for the blessings i have been given. hmmm. not always easy. God, help me to be more like that mom today.

happy mother's day to all the mom's out there...and if you're not a mom, don't just smile, say "thank you"and move on...say a little prayer for your mom or anyone who has ever been a mom to you. we have all been blessed by someone.

the new beginnings

yesterday i had the joy of co-officiating floyd and michelle's wedding in plano. first time back since the move. their wedding was probably one of the most worshipful weddings i have ever been to. i was crying when she walked down the aisle to david crowder's "how he loves." i had to pull it together and remind myself that i was the pastor. God was glorified by the entire service and witnessing floyd and michelle become husband and wife made me say, "this is what marriage is supposed to be." i can't wait to see how God uses them as they have committed to love and serve together for the rest of their lives. what a beautiful new beginning.

now speaking of new beginnings...i am in a place in my life where i can't help but be thankful for some new beginnings of my own.

first up, i'm going to be on staff permanently at the methodist hospital after my residency is over in august! back in january, i expressed my desire to stay on board and God made some things happen. we haven't formally come up with my job description, but it will be some patient care (i'll be the staff chaplain for certain areas of the hospital), some work with our lay ministry program (teaching for our institute and college that equips lay people to be ministers in the hospital on a volunteer basis, leading spiritual formation retreats, etc.), some administrative work for the department and hopefully making some efforts to keep the hospital connected with the conference and the local churches. my hope is that my primary focus is with the lay ministry, and i think that is where it's headed. i love the people i will be working alongside and the overall feel of the hospital. i get excited about going to work, and i dream about all the opportunities this new beginning will present.

next up, with the new job comes a new place to live! i just put a deposit down on a super cool apartment in midtown. it's a new mid-rise, and it's all about location, location, location. it's small, but i love it! the little balconies off my main room and my bedroom offer me a view of downtown when looking left...so fun. one of the best perks of the place is that it is one block from the light rail, so no more driving to work! a little change from the hour commute i do now. just a short walk, then 5 stops later on the rail i'm at the front doors of methodist! yes, urban living, here i come. yet, another new beginning...

so just when we think that the sun is setting on our world, we wake up to another sunrise and are reminded that our God is a creating God who loves us so much that new beginnings are being offered endlessly.