the balloon

balloons. for me there was always something about them that made me happy. bouquets at birthday parties, a single balloon tied around my wrist, or even watching one float up in the sky with wonder. always happy, unless someone came along and popped it. then, happiness turned to fright at the sound of the pop and then fright turned to sadness at the loss of that simple thing that was no longer there...and it all happened in an instant.

that's what this past week felt like for me. the balloon that was tied to my wrist on the day that i was offered my permanent position at the hospital was suddenly popped...it was shocking and scary in the moment, but the real feelings of sadness and loss of dreams is what makes each day so hard right now. but wait...I STILL HAVE A JOB...i keep reminding myself of that, especially in times when lots of people don't have jobs. however, things have changed.

very unexpectedly, the director of the spiritual care department was terminated last friday. no one really knows why...even he was shocked by the news. it was a jolting reminder that big businesses all function the same, at times executives don't see eye to eye, and often one exerts power over another that changes people's lives forever. i'm just one of hundreds that have been affected by his unfortunate circumstance. the stories told this week about how he has impacted lives is overwhelming.

as i continue to grieve the loss over the separation, i struggle with feelings of anger and just plain sadness for him and for me. i felt so strongly that we were all in the will of God as we dreamed about the programs at the hospital that i would eventually be a part of under his leadership. as he stood with me at my ordination, it was symbolically marking the beginning of this new direction in ministry, and i was filled with joy. the future of those ministries is uncertain now, and that makes me uneasy.

as a person of faith and one who ultimately trusts in God, i have been asking a lot of questions this week. i don't know what my job will look like come september, so once again i find myself trying to be patient in the waiting. but with each day, the haze is lifting, and i am beginning to imagine again. so, here's what i'm thinking today: maybe the balloon didn't pop...maybe it just came untied from my wrist and has floated off, leaving me to wonder where it will end up.

the beach

it's friday early evening. 100 or so youth+adults arrive at 33rd street and seawall in galveston. youth are running in the sand towards the water to play after a long week of working on hurricane ike recovery projects and the adults are STILL silently working...this time they are setting up tech equipment, building a frame out of 2x4's that would later serve as a projection screen, and getting ready for a bbq dinner.

watching all this unfold was a little bit of home for me, and it was bittersweet. i was so happy to reunite with all my people at st. andrew umc (and not be one of those adults working!), but i was also a little sad that for the first time in 9yrs i had not been a part of a saumc mission trip. i really miss this time of year and the worship with this group that makes me feel so close to God.

as the sun set, stan led us in a time of worship...our view was miles of water and miles of sky lit by a half moon and twinkling stars. so beautiful!! as we sang, our praises were not only heard by the heavens, but by the passerbys on the seawall who stopped to join us. it reminded me of what it might have been like when john wesley preached in the streets...curiosity might just be the catalyst for an eternal relationship with the Creator of universe.

this is one of the songs we sang...

How He Loves by David Crowder

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

may God continue to bless the ministry at st. andrew umc and all those curious youth. it changed my life forever.

the shoes (part 2)

As I reflect on these last couple of weeks, I keep coming back to my shoes. Something really big happened on Tuesday night. I was ordained a deacon in The United Methodist Church. I don’t know how to describe what happened in that moment, but the moment was huge. What I remember most was the weight of Bishop Huie’s hands on my head as she said, “Stacy, take authority as a deacon to proclaim the Word of God and to lead God's people to sesrve in the world in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.” It was as if she was pressing those words into my very being…it was heavy, but it felt like I was right where God intended me to be. I was overwhelmed with joy.

Now, back to the shoes. I love shoes. One of the hardest things about settling into hospital ministry is that I don’t get to wear fun shoes. Remember those clogs I wrote about back in September? I sport those shoes EVERY DAY. So what made these last couple of weeks extra fun was that I got to wear shoes other than those clogs!

First up, Tina and Josh’s wedding in Cincinnati. I was blessed to stand with Tina as she married Josh. Over the course of 4 days, I experienced lots of laughter, storytelling, games and dancing with a few of my favorite friends from Duke…and these gold heels accompanied me.



Next I headed to The Woodlands for the Texas Annual Conference. It was here that I not only listened to reports and sermons centered on our theme “Extravagant Generosity,” but I experienced it as well. I can’t even begin to express what it felt like to have so many friends and family come to stand in support and celebration as I was ordained…and these fun black wedges got a work out during those 4 days.


Then, the girls headed to Galveston! Five of the seven of us (Stephanie, Emily, Paige, Romonica, and me) were ordained this year. Taylor paved the way for us last year and Elizabeth is right behind us next year. We went from the porch swing to the pool to the living room and then did it all over again the next day and the next. So relaxing…and if I was wearing shoes, these flip flops were it.




Finally, I closed out my time away by “swinging by the hospital for a little 12hr on call.” It was too hot to put on my suit (work suit, not bathing suit!) in Galveston, so I decided to change when I got to the hospital. I remember thinking, “Oh great, no more fun shoes…back to the boring clogs.” But then something big happened. I slipped on those clogs and even though they are heavy and not the most stylish, they felt AMAZING. I felt like I was right where God intended me to be. I was overwhelmed with joy. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me now! Oh, and please don't be jealous of these beauties...

the teenager

so the last 10days have been heavy. last weekend i went back to the ruah center for a 24hr silent retreat. no super profound revelations from God like last time, which is why i never sat down to write about it when i got home. i felt a little weighed down by my own thoughts and slightly depleted during, but by the end i did feel alive and full of God. and, as i reflect on the last week, i sense that God gave me that time to prepare me for conversations and interactions with people in the hospital where i would feel much of the same.

although there were many people i could write about this week, i'm going to stay focused on just one...i'll call him "the teenager." he is 16yrs old and in my heart failure unit. muscular dystrophy is attacking his heart. he had a pacemaker put in a few weeks ago and and LVAD just over a week ago. WHAT?!?! seriously. he has a wire coming out of his stomach that he keeps plugged into a machine that does all the work that the heart normally does so that his heart can strengthen.

i had the JOY of being there as his mom learned how to use his new machine and the battery packs so he can actually go places a few hours at a time. i went with them on their first journey with the batteries...we wheeled him outside to the healing garden where he breathed fresh air for the first time in 3 weeks. he was so thankful and knew how to express that...at the age of 16. let me repeat...he was thankful that he was able to carry a battery pack around that allowed him to stay "plugged in" which is what is keeping him alive right now. let's talk about keeping things in perspective.

some of my favorite moments with him this week: he asked me everyday where my aggie ring was and was super happy when i remembered to wear it on friday. he loved to talk college basketball and tell me about his girlfriend. he asked me to take him to the chapel and while we were in there he asked me to pray for him. i wish he did not have to be in the hospital, but i selfishly can't wait to spend more time with him this week.

over the weekend stephanie introduced me to these poems written by another teenager who fought muscular dystrophy...mattie j.t. stepanek...he was oprah and today show famous. he has since passed away, but his life is still touching many people. one of his poems spoke to me, so i'm including it today...it's about thankfulness and helps capture what the teenager taught me this week.

may God continue to put people in my life like the teenager and mattie who weigh heavy on my heart and make me feel depleted with sadness, yet who have been the people God works through to bring about life and fullness in me.

on being thankful
by mattie j.t. stepanek

dear God,
i was going to thank you tonight
for a beautiful sunrise,
that was pink behind the fog down the hill,
and for a wonderful rainbow,
that i ran under pointing to
all my favorite colors,
and for such a great sunset,
that sparkled orange across the water.
i was going to thank you tonight
for all of these special gifts,
except that none of them happened.
but do you know what?
i still love you, God.
and i have lots of other things
that i can thank you for tonight,
even if you didn't give those
very special gifts to me today.
it's okay, God,
because i'll look for them all again,
when my tomorrow comes.
amen.

november 1995

the mom

well, i just spent 13hrs on call in the hospital. it was non-stop. and, i have never received so many "happy mother's day" wishes...i learned to just smile, say "thank you" and move on. no need to make others feel awkward, right? this easily could have worked me up, but one visit today kept things in perspective.

i sat with a mom who watched her son take his last breath. i immediately thought this must be the worst mother's day ever. my heart was breaking for her. and then without prompting she said that she'd just received the most wonderful mother's day gift...she was thankful that he is no longer trapped in his body...she imagined him dancing and running and being embraced by God and that made her smile. then, i watched her as she opened the card that his caretaker bought for him to sign today...he never got a chance to sign it, but she read it and whispered to him that she would treasure it forever. ughh. what a moment. she gave thanks to God for entrusting him to her for 27years. she chose to acknowledge God in the midst of something very painful.

i was reminded of a couple of things today. one, sitting with others in their pain can sometimes be the best medicine for my own pain. focusing on others helps me get outside of my own thoughts. two, i can choose to acknowledge God in the midst of a painful or somewhat uncomfortable circumstance and be thankful for the blessings i have been given. hmmm. not always easy. God, help me to be more like that mom today.

happy mother's day to all the mom's out there...and if you're not a mom, don't just smile, say "thank you"and move on...say a little prayer for your mom or anyone who has ever been a mom to you. we have all been blessed by someone.

the new beginnings

yesterday i had the joy of co-officiating floyd and michelle's wedding in plano. first time back since the move. their wedding was probably one of the most worshipful weddings i have ever been to. i was crying when she walked down the aisle to david crowder's "how he loves." i had to pull it together and remind myself that i was the pastor. God was glorified by the entire service and witnessing floyd and michelle become husband and wife made me say, "this is what marriage is supposed to be." i can't wait to see how God uses them as they have committed to love and serve together for the rest of their lives. what a beautiful new beginning.

now speaking of new beginnings...i am in a place in my life where i can't help but be thankful for some new beginnings of my own.

first up, i'm going to be on staff permanently at the methodist hospital after my residency is over in august! back in january, i expressed my desire to stay on board and God made some things happen. we haven't formally come up with my job description, but it will be some patient care (i'll be the staff chaplain for certain areas of the hospital), some work with our lay ministry program (teaching for our institute and college that equips lay people to be ministers in the hospital on a volunteer basis, leading spiritual formation retreats, etc.), some administrative work for the department and hopefully making some efforts to keep the hospital connected with the conference and the local churches. my hope is that my primary focus is with the lay ministry, and i think that is where it's headed. i love the people i will be working alongside and the overall feel of the hospital. i get excited about going to work, and i dream about all the opportunities this new beginning will present.

next up, with the new job comes a new place to live! i just put a deposit down on a super cool apartment in midtown. it's a new mid-rise, and it's all about location, location, location. it's small, but i love it! the little balconies off my main room and my bedroom offer me a view of downtown when looking left...so fun. one of the best perks of the place is that it is one block from the light rail, so no more driving to work! a little change from the hour commute i do now. just a short walk, then 5 stops later on the rail i'm at the front doors of methodist! yes, urban living, here i come. yet, another new beginning...

so just when we think that the sun is setting on our world, we wake up to another sunrise and are reminded that our God is a creating God who loves us so much that new beginnings are being offered endlessly.

the bake day

another great weekend. beautiful weather. saw kk and kyle's new house. had time to rest and time to PLAY with our refugee friends! this time we had options...games at the park or baking at the church. i opted for the baking. so fun to see these girls crack an egg for the first time and use a measuring cup. one of our amazing young adults at hcumc, liz, organized the day and captured some of the fun on camera...