the gratitude

Over the past week, I have found myself thankful for many things. I realize that much of my theology centers on gratitude. I start almost every prayer giving thanks to God for the gift of a new day. I often feel overwhelmed by the many blessings I have in my life.

I am thankful for the opportunity to continue my education. Remember how bitter I was about having to take that preaching class on Tuesday nights? Well, I started it last week, and I really think I am going to enjoy it. I was reminded of how privileged I am to even be in class again.

I am thankful for my family. I was able to go home to Corpus and celebrate my dad’s 60th birthday this past weekend. We surprised him by having family and friends gather on his boat after the final cruise on Saturday night. He had no idea. Biggest part of the surprise was that his brother and sister flew down from Northern Virginia to be with us. We all cried when dad saw them for the first time. It was a beautiful moment. Good conversations, lots of love and laughs in the short time I got to be with everyone. Every time I am around my family learn a little bit more about who I am.
(in picture: uncle davy, me, aunt debbie, dad, brother ryan)

I am thankful for a strength that comes from God while I am serving in the hospital. I am currently on call 7am-7pm. I just shared a sacred moment with a family. The patient took her last breath while I was talking to her. That was a first for me…I’ve experienced several deaths, but never have I been so actively involved when it happened. When the daughter realized that she was gone she said “That was exactly what she needed. Thank you for talking so peacefully to her. I know God is holding her.” I am thankful that she knows God in that way. I pray that we can all experience death with such assurance.

Good is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Oh, and although there are MANY other things I am thankful for...here are two more...nephews Josh and Jacob at the Redskins game last weekend. Yes, the house is divided!!

the insulation

who ever thought blown in insulation was a good idea? seriously. the person who invented those pink rolls of insulation that is not in 100 billion individual particles is a genius.

i am in iowa doing flood relief this weekend. i was on the demolition team responsible for the final stages of gutting out a house that was built in the 20's or 30's. i spent the day on a ladder pulling down the ceiling and with each pry of a 2" slat came plaster and buckets of the above mentioned insulation. i was covered in it. goggles, hard hat, mask. yes, it was a sight.

now i lay here at the baymont inn in cedar rapids trying to decide if i am clean or not. clue #1 that i am not...after my shower i wiped off my face with the towel and there was dirt on it. my friend paige just got back and all we did was laugh with out speaking for a couple of minutes...we are both so sore!! tomorrow should be fun.

why am i here? the cabinet (the group of people who make our appointments in the church) brought us here to get to know us in a less formal setting. believe me, we are getting to know each other well. they aren't the ones who will be interviewing us in march to decide if we will be ordained or not, but we know they all talk. so, guess what? we are working hard and being on our best behavior ;) more importantly, we are representing the texas annual conference of the umc...we made a commitment to help them last fall after they flooded in june 2008, but did not go then because of ike. i am honored to be here making good on their promise.

although i am filthy from the insulation, the work here is cleansing in so many ways. glory be to god.

the drip

the weekend was full. dining with the graham family in the woodlands. tailgating and game watching with friends in college station. wearing sweatshirts. blessing pets. celebrating God's goodness.

the hospital seemed quiet today. as the rain came down, i noticed several empty beds. however, it simply allowed me to listen to a different kind of people. a secretary shared how she struggles with her failing eye sight. another chaplain shared some of his painful childhood memories. a nurse shared her feelings about burying her child last weekend. the patients aren't the only ones who suffer.

i did have a very significant visit with a patient though. she was hesitant at first, but as i sat in the chair next to her (i usually stand), she began to share. she worries, and she has a lot to worry about. she prays, but its hard to really surrender. i moved to sit on her bed (bold move on my part) so that we could pray together. she held my hand so tight. after i said amen, i looked up and her eyes were still closed...she had not let go of my hand either. after a moment, i asked her what she was thinking about. she said she was thinking about what it meant to really give it over to God. i closed my eyes too. we sat in silence, except for the sound of the dripping iv, for about 5 minutes. try sitting in silence for 5 minutes...its a long time. but, most of the time giving our burdens over to God takes a long time. here's my attempt to remember my visit:

the drip

the drip of the iv
kept time in the silence
while two hands clutched,
praying that burdens would
drip just as rhythmically
into the hands of our Lord.

the poem

so my supervisor encouraged us to write some poetry. that stresses me out. i don't know how to write poetry. i don't know the rules. she thought it might help us process and express our thoughts about a meaningful conversation. so, i tried it.

Perfectly Placed

They gather to be near her,
They offer their stories.

It’s chaotic.

I want to be near her too
I offer a loving touch.

It’s silent.

She asks what death looks and feels like
I have nothing to offer.

It’s scary.

She tells me the flower is wilting
I offer my ear.

It’s moving.

Two weeks pass, I hear of her dying
I offer my prayers.

She is blooming, perfectly placed
By her Maker in a bouquet.

It’s beautiful.

the success

Today felt heavy for me as a chaplain. There were lots of tears. Some people even teared up simply in response to my introduction…haven’t quite processed what that is all about. I say, “Hi, I’m Stacy, one of the chaplains here in the hospital, and I am just coming by to check on you today…to see if there is any way that I can be praying for you” and their eyes fill up. It’s either fear or pain or both. I am thankful that God creates this space and time for these people to express their emotion, but it’s still surprising to me that strangers feel comfortable pouring out their soul to me. I don’t really offer any response, just acknowledgment of what they are saying and feeling. I hope that my listening and acknowledging is helpful…I know it’s helping me in some profound ways.

Although my mind is foggy, and I can’t sort out who said what to me today, one thing sticks out. A woman’s pain, expressed with tears, was rooted in her failure to be "a success." I kept pressing her on what she meant by success. After a while several things were revealed. She had lost her home, her marriage, her job, her insurance, her ‘girlish figure’, etc. She kept saying how blessed she was by the gift of her two daughters and the loving relationship that she had with them, but that wasn’t enough for her for some reason. Success to her was having a home, a job, a husband, and a body she was proud of. I quickly urged her to see that what she was saying was really only success in the eyes of the world and that what mattered was success in the eyes of God…loving God and others well.

Hmmm…it’s amazing how easy it is for me to speak truth into the pain of another, yet accepting it for me is another story. I saw a lot of myself in her today, and the truth is...today still feels a little heavy. Praise God that tomorrow is a NEW day!

the joy

think of a time when you experienced true joy.

that was what i asked the young adults at sunday school a couple of weeks ago. then this past monday i sat in on the spiritual group time in the psych unit at the hospital, and my coordinating chaplain asked them to think about the same thing. guess what? i heard very similar answers. i realized it doesn't matter where we find ourselves or the state of our mental health...it seems that there is commonality in how humanity experiences true joy. all of their answers had something to do with being in relationship with another and/or the Divine.

i agree. i have found that true joy comes from being in relationship with another where God is acknowledged.

these last couple of weeks i have been in relationship with lots of different people in the hospital and it has been joyful. does that sound weird? i mean i am witnessing such painful situations. sometimes the pain is physical and often it is emotional and spiritual. but joy is what i feel after i have spent time with people in this pain. hearing their stories. listening to their doubts. learning from their faith. being connected to them for just a moment through the power of the Holy Spirit...strangers experience being in relationship with each other in the presence of God and because of God...there en lies the joy.

i prayed with a woman whose family of 5 lives on $50 in food stamps each month. she was so upset that she was in the hospital because she needed to be home to care for her adopted grandchildren. after a long talk, we prayed for the Lord's provision. later that day she saw me walking down the hall and called out to me with joy. she was on her way home and the doctor had just been in to say that he knew she did not have insurance and he would not be sending a bill. she gave all the glory to God.

i celebrated with a woman who couldn't wait to share with me that they only found cancer in one spot on her brain. her children sat in her room baffled by her joy. they were paralyzed by the fact that she had cancer. but enlight of our conversation the day before, i knew that she was simply praising God that her body was not consumed by it. she gave all the glory to God.

i cried with a woman who had been so joyful the last time i saw her but this day she was in a dark place. she was frustrated by the limitations of her body. she had both knees replaced during the summer and was now recovering from brain surgery. all she wanted to do was go home and kneel down and work in her garden. we read a couple psalms of lament. tears were flowing, but after sitting with the pain for about 30 minutes, i saw her move towards praise. she wanted to read more. before my very eyes, i watched God comfort her with God's words. she was thankful for her life. she gave all the glory to God.

these are just a few of the many relationships i have experienced over the last couple of weeks. i jot down stories everyday in my mind, but i have found little time to write at night before i pour myself into bed. these relationships are fleeting but sacred. however, i have found that if we just allow ourselves to take some time to be still and intentional about listening to another human being we experience the joy that our soul longs for. it's a feeling i have a hard time expressing. it's something that i know only comes from God.

think of a time when you experienced true joy.