the peace

two totally amazing experiences in the last two days:

1. i met a man in the hospital who i will never forget. he is hiv+ and a virus has attacked his body that is shutting it down at a rapid pace. two weeks ago he was "perfectly fine." two days ago he hurt, but he was walking. yesterday, he was using a bedpan for the first time, because he could not get out of bed.

he had been waiting for me to come. he wept loudly as i held his hand. he told me that he didn't want to die. he was scared. i was sad. he asked me to call upon the Lord for him because he needed to feel God in that moment. now i was scared. i prayed. i cried as i prayed. he found a place of peace. one of his quotes will remain with me forever:

"hope is that soft whisper in your heart that says everything's going to be okay." i love that. i hope that he feels that.

2. i spent today on a "silent retreat" at the ruah center in houston. what a gift. i arrived at 8:45am for a tour of the place. then, i met with a spiritual director for about an hour. she gave me some scripture to meditate on. genesis 15:1-6. i had taken 3 books thinking i would read a little from each, pray a little, maybe listen to my ipod. little did i know, that scripture was all i needed. i read it in the chapel. i journaled about it. i thought about it over lunch. i painted/colored images that came from it. it informed my prayers for myself, my family and my friends. God spoke to me through it all day long. i found a place of peace.

this is what i wrote before i left:

~outside~

silence.
a gift given
in a beautiful place
where hospitality blooms
in the midst of winter.
where sun shines
through windows of a dark chapel.
where scripture speaks
to a girl
wanting to be led
outside
to count the stars
placed in the sky
by the One who loves her.

~will she trust Him?

the packet

after two failed attempts today , i finally found a place to fed-ex my ordination packet! you'll be happy to know that a faithful group of people will be reviewing the following:

an autobiographical statement
a description of my ministry setting
a 22pg paper creatively weaving my theology and evidence of practicing that theology
a 6wk bible study on ezra-nehemiah
a sermon in written form and the preached event on dvd
results from a medical physical examination, including bloodwork
results from a psychological examination and interview
recommendations from various people
my transcript from duke AND the crazy class i'm currently enrolled in
a form that asked all sorts of questions, including one about the state of my brother's marriage (i checked the "happy" box)...yes, i did say my brother
a notarized form saying that i am not a convict

so, there you have it. i hope they like me. they'll meet me in person to decide on march 22nd. thanks for your continued prayers.

the epiphany

did you know that january 6th we (the church) celebrated epiphany? this marks the event when the wise men followed the star and found baby jesus (matthew 2:1-12). immediately upon sight, they bowed down, worshipped and offered gifts. i wonder what it was like for them to recognize that this precious baby (who probably looked just as precious as we did!) was the king of kings. something must have been different. something was different.

they had seen the light.

last sunday my roommate stephanie challenged us in her sermon. she said, "what would it be like if this year, instead of being transformed by our new year's resolutions, we are transformed by the epiphany that jesus is king?" oh my gosh. that was it. God chose that question at that moment to speak to me....again. something happened.

i have seen the light.

this past week has been full of prayer, conversations, ideas, thoughts, new possibilities and a little fear. i have experienced that passionate and exciting feeling that i hope everyone has regarding the ministry they are engaged in. i have seen, in a new way, how all my past experiences have been preparing me for my next steps. i knew this year would be a year of exploration and growth, but some things have been beyond my imagination. please join me in prayer as i step out on faith and await God's full revelation regarding the ministry to which i am being called.

the light has not fully revealed the plan, but nonetheless i have seen the light. may God give each of us an extra measure of faith as we follow the star and courage as we bow down, worship and offer our gifts.

the new year

happy new year.

although our christian new year started with the first day of advent, i can't help but embrace the turning of the calendar year. again, it invites us to reflect on the past year and look forward to new beginnings. there is an inherent hopefulness that comes with the first day of a new year for me. somewhat selfishly, i am hopeful for good health and fulfilled desires for my family, friends and me. i am also hopeful that the church will open itself to be led by the Holy Spirit so that it can be bold in sharing the gospel and caring for those in need. really, the list goes on and on...

as i continue to muse on my hopes today, i am meditating on ecclesiastes chapter 3. i am reminded that there is a perfect time for everything. it causes me to wonder what season i'm in and what season i'll find myself in in 2010. verse 11 says,

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

i can't fathom what God has done and what God will do. i am hopeful for specific things for this new year, but i will also try to imagine the big picture and embrace whatever season i find myself in, knowing that God has a plan for me that is good. i hope that my family, friends and the church as a whole can rest in the same truth.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

15 Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account.