the reminder

the best part of my day...

walking down the hall, seeing an 85yr old man sitting on the edge of his bed in a dimly lit room, and making a split decision to stop in. i introduced myself and pulled up a chair next to his bed. during the course of the conversation i learned that he has no surviving family accept 2 step children who call and come by as often as they can. i asked him what he had been thinking about. he replied that he doesn't know what he thinks anymore. his loneliness made me sad.

so why would that be the best part of my day? because for a moment i was used by God to remind this man that he is loved by God. and in that moment i was reminded of how loved i am by God too.

if you're reading this, know that regardless of where you are or who you are that God is pursuing you and loves you beyond your imagination...even when you feel like an 85yr old man sitting in a dimly lit room who doesn't know what to think anymore.

the encounter

these last couple of days in the hospital have been a blessing. in my last post i spoke about the bondage experienced by so many of those who find themselves here. i prayed that God would encounter those who are hurting...well, God's doing a pretty good job...encountering me.

i sat with this sweet woman this morning as her husband died. what a gift to be with someone during such an intimate time. she told me stories about their lives as we waited for her daughters to arrive. here is my reflection to remind me of this sacred encounter...

The Dance

"May I have this dance?"
He asked confidently.

"Of course."
She answered sweetly.

The beginning of a new life together,
where their shining moment
was a dance
in their boots
in Hollywood.

"I'll miss you."
She said tearfully.

One last breath.
He breathed peacefully.

The beginning of a new life yet again,
where their shining moment
will be a dance
in their boots
in Heaven.

To be heard by everyone.

the rollercoaster

up, up, up we go, then down so fast that it feels like our stomach is going to fall out...it's a crazy feeling. but, for me, riding a rollercoaster is totally worth it!

it's the second sunday of easter. for many, the season of lent and the celebration of our risen Lord feels like weeks ago...not just days ago. so much happens in a week. our lives go in directions we could not have imagined. many of us experience moments of doubt and fear and then thank God most of us return to a life of assurance and faith, but only by the grace of God.

i am thankful for the moments that bring me back to that life of assurance and faith in a good God who has a good plan for me. sipping on a good cup of saturday morning coffee, jump roping and playing soccer with our refugee friends, enjoying the weather, and taking little maggie for a wagon ride around the neighborhood today are little reminders that i am right where i need to be...on the rollercoaster.

tonight i will find myself on call in the hospital from 7p-7a...a place where people are most likely not experiencing the joy i experienced this weekend. sickness and disease keep them in bondage; their bodies are unable to be so free. my prayer is that God meets them right in the midst of their doubt and fear so that they may either return or find for the very first time the joy that comes from a life of assurance and faith. or maybe the joy will simply come in knowing that they are on a rollercoaster and they are not alone.

thank you, God, for sitting next to us on the ride...

the last month

i don't even know where to begin. it's been over a month since i have posted. it feels like a year. so much has happened. the purpose of this blog was to capture this year in writing, and the last month has been a pretty significant month, so it makes me sad that i have not jotted down my thoughts and feelings as a reminder. here's my attempt to do a quick recap...a simply selfish act, so don't feel obligated to read...

wednesdays started out easy (my lenten practice of fasting), but have become hard. it's not always fun to feel less than great and be so introspective on what is keeping me from being in a more perfect relationship with God.

i was blessed by two retreats...one with the women of hcumc and one with the youth of saumc. seeing the stars reminded me of God's promises (and now this is a reminder that i was comforted then!) and singing worship songs with my st. andrew people was so renewing.

my good friend allie from duke spent a week with me. so fun. first weekend was full of reminiscing and laughs with several duke friends and a little basketball. we celebrated the upcoming marriage of tina and josh. throughout the week allie and i had good conversations, and i was reminded of how our friendship is truly a gift.

experiences in the hospital took me to the edge. situations i didn't know how to handle pushed my boundaries. i learned that authentically caring for others and revealing a genuine part of myself can be dangerous. i've also realized how hard it is to hear "do you have a family? kids of your own? oh, you're so beautiful"...i seriously hear something like this on average every other day...on the surface they seem harmless, but the reality is that it's often very painful.

i took a couple long walks with God to welcome in spring. i'm pretty sure i heard God answer a prayer i had been praying fervently...it just wasn't the answer i was looking for. so, once again i call upon my faith and trust in God's provision. it's so much easier said than done.

my mom, brother and his family spent the weekend with me. being around them brings me so much joy. jacob and josh are little reminders of how gracious God is to God's people.

and to wrap up...i was approved for ordination as a deacon in the united methodist church. hmmm...still not sure how to articulate what that feels like. there is both joy and fear. i feel confident that i am in God's will, but sometimes i wonder where i am being led and why i have been chosen for such a task.

as our journeys get closer to the cross (holy week), i think about Jesus carrying that cross up to his death. i know we all have a cross to bear...it just scares me to think about what mine might be.

the ashes

today is ash wednesday. it marks the beginning of lent for christians, which is a 40 day period when we reflect on our relationship with God, repent, and are reminded of our mortality. as you saw people marked with the cross on their foreheads today they were mostly likely told:

"repent and believe in the gospel" or "remember you are dust, and to dust you will return."

i love the season of lent. last night i kind of got butterflies in my stomach thinking about it starting today. may each of us take some time to reflect. may our reflection not be the end, but the means to an end that equals action...repenting means actually turning away from whatever it is that is keeping us from being in a more right relationship with God. i pray that is revealed to me, and i pray that i have the courage to change.

the second to last interview

one step away, people...one step away.

yesterday i interviewed with three people who represented the Board of Ordained Ministry. they were the three who read all that stuff i turned in a few weeks ago. they were the three who were sent to see if i could articulate my effectiveness for ministry over the last two years. they were the three who voted to send me on to the FINAL interview on march 22nd. it's schedule for 9:30am at lakeveiw retreat center in palestine, texas.

thanks for all those prayers. oh, and a big thanks to God for always being with me. some of you may have already read this story that i wrote yesterday, but i wanted to post it here too, so i can be reminded of it.

"Something really cool happened to me as I was waiting for the rail this afternoon in front of the hospital (on my way to the interview). This man was sitting alone. It was beautiful outside. It was unusually quiet in the Med Center. Once I was close enough for him to talk to me he said, "I just love this fresh air. It reminds me of when I was a kid and used to go outside at night and look up at the stars. We just don't take the time to do stuff like that anymore...we just get so caught up in stuff. I don't even know the last time I saw stars.. I feel like I just need to slow down, take in this fresh air and go to the lake or something tonight so I can see the stars." The conversation continued and a rush of thoughts and emotions came over me. He almost quoted several lines of a sermon I preached last week. It was somewhat frightening. I seriously felt like I was having a conversation with God.

The sermon was about God speaking to Abram and saying "Come outside...Look toward heaven and count the stars if you are able to count them." Gen 15:5. In context, God was asking Abram to step outside his own doubt and anxiety and be reminded of God's promise...a promise to give him offspring in abundance, just like the number of stars in the sky. In that moment today, I snapped out of my own doubt and anxiety and was reminded of the promises God has made to me. I trusted that God has called me to be right where I am. I had a peace that was not there just moments before."

Thanks for being on the journey with me...

the park

these are lyrics of a song by isreal houghton that stephanie and i just sang out loud in our living room:

lord you are good

and your mercy

endureth forever

people from every nation and tongue

from generation to generation

we worship you, hallelujah, hallelujah

we worship you, for who you are

you are good

our singing was a response to our fun day! the weather is BEAUTIFUL here. finally the sun is shining and no clouds in sight. our young adult sunday school class spent the day at the park with 27 kids from an apartment complex in the westbury area. these kids represent families who have migrated from nepal, rwanda, liberia, congo, burma, burundi. not a whole lot of conversation, but a whole lot of play. soccer, pb&j and a few muddy puddles. pure goodness.