the teenager

so the last 10days have been heavy. last weekend i went back to the ruah center for a 24hr silent retreat. no super profound revelations from God like last time, which is why i never sat down to write about it when i got home. i felt a little weighed down by my own thoughts and slightly depleted during, but by the end i did feel alive and full of God. and, as i reflect on the last week, i sense that God gave me that time to prepare me for conversations and interactions with people in the hospital where i would feel much of the same.

although there were many people i could write about this week, i'm going to stay focused on just one...i'll call him "the teenager." he is 16yrs old and in my heart failure unit. muscular dystrophy is attacking his heart. he had a pacemaker put in a few weeks ago and and LVAD just over a week ago. WHAT?!?! seriously. he has a wire coming out of his stomach that he keeps plugged into a machine that does all the work that the heart normally does so that his heart can strengthen.

i had the JOY of being there as his mom learned how to use his new machine and the battery packs so he can actually go places a few hours at a time. i went with them on their first journey with the batteries...we wheeled him outside to the healing garden where he breathed fresh air for the first time in 3 weeks. he was so thankful and knew how to express that...at the age of 16. let me repeat...he was thankful that he was able to carry a battery pack around that allowed him to stay "plugged in" which is what is keeping him alive right now. let's talk about keeping things in perspective.

some of my favorite moments with him this week: he asked me everyday where my aggie ring was and was super happy when i remembered to wear it on friday. he loved to talk college basketball and tell me about his girlfriend. he asked me to take him to the chapel and while we were in there he asked me to pray for him. i wish he did not have to be in the hospital, but i selfishly can't wait to spend more time with him this week.

over the weekend stephanie introduced me to these poems written by another teenager who fought muscular dystrophy...mattie j.t. stepanek...he was oprah and today show famous. he has since passed away, but his life is still touching many people. one of his poems spoke to me, so i'm including it today...it's about thankfulness and helps capture what the teenager taught me this week.

may God continue to put people in my life like the teenager and mattie who weigh heavy on my heart and make me feel depleted with sadness, yet who have been the people God works through to bring about life and fullness in me.

on being thankful
by mattie j.t. stepanek

dear God,
i was going to thank you tonight
for a beautiful sunrise,
that was pink behind the fog down the hill,
and for a wonderful rainbow,
that i ran under pointing to
all my favorite colors,
and for such a great sunset,
that sparkled orange across the water.
i was going to thank you tonight
for all of these special gifts,
except that none of them happened.
but do you know what?
i still love you, God.
and i have lots of other things
that i can thank you for tonight,
even if you didn't give those
very special gifts to me today.
it's okay, God,
because i'll look for them all again,
when my tomorrow comes.
amen.

november 1995

the mom

well, i just spent 13hrs on call in the hospital. it was non-stop. and, i have never received so many "happy mother's day" wishes...i learned to just smile, say "thank you" and move on. no need to make others feel awkward, right? this easily could have worked me up, but one visit today kept things in perspective.

i sat with a mom who watched her son take his last breath. i immediately thought this must be the worst mother's day ever. my heart was breaking for her. and then without prompting she said that she'd just received the most wonderful mother's day gift...she was thankful that he is no longer trapped in his body...she imagined him dancing and running and being embraced by God and that made her smile. then, i watched her as she opened the card that his caretaker bought for him to sign today...he never got a chance to sign it, but she read it and whispered to him that she would treasure it forever. ughh. what a moment. she gave thanks to God for entrusting him to her for 27years. she chose to acknowledge God in the midst of something very painful.

i was reminded of a couple of things today. one, sitting with others in their pain can sometimes be the best medicine for my own pain. focusing on others helps me get outside of my own thoughts. two, i can choose to acknowledge God in the midst of a painful or somewhat uncomfortable circumstance and be thankful for the blessings i have been given. hmmm. not always easy. God, help me to be more like that mom today.

happy mother's day to all the mom's out there...and if you're not a mom, don't just smile, say "thank you"and move on...say a little prayer for your mom or anyone who has ever been a mom to you. we have all been blessed by someone.

the new beginnings

yesterday i had the joy of co-officiating floyd and michelle's wedding in plano. first time back since the move. their wedding was probably one of the most worshipful weddings i have ever been to. i was crying when she walked down the aisle to david crowder's "how he loves." i had to pull it together and remind myself that i was the pastor. God was glorified by the entire service and witnessing floyd and michelle become husband and wife made me say, "this is what marriage is supposed to be." i can't wait to see how God uses them as they have committed to love and serve together for the rest of their lives. what a beautiful new beginning.

now speaking of new beginnings...i am in a place in my life where i can't help but be thankful for some new beginnings of my own.

first up, i'm going to be on staff permanently at the methodist hospital after my residency is over in august! back in january, i expressed my desire to stay on board and God made some things happen. we haven't formally come up with my job description, but it will be some patient care (i'll be the staff chaplain for certain areas of the hospital), some work with our lay ministry program (teaching for our institute and college that equips lay people to be ministers in the hospital on a volunteer basis, leading spiritual formation retreats, etc.), some administrative work for the department and hopefully making some efforts to keep the hospital connected with the conference and the local churches. my hope is that my primary focus is with the lay ministry, and i think that is where it's headed. i love the people i will be working alongside and the overall feel of the hospital. i get excited about going to work, and i dream about all the opportunities this new beginning will present.

next up, with the new job comes a new place to live! i just put a deposit down on a super cool apartment in midtown. it's a new mid-rise, and it's all about location, location, location. it's small, but i love it! the little balconies off my main room and my bedroom offer me a view of downtown when looking left...so fun. one of the best perks of the place is that it is one block from the light rail, so no more driving to work! a little change from the hour commute i do now. just a short walk, then 5 stops later on the rail i'm at the front doors of methodist! yes, urban living, here i come. yet, another new beginning...

so just when we think that the sun is setting on our world, we wake up to another sunrise and are reminded that our God is a creating God who loves us so much that new beginnings are being offered endlessly.

the bake day

another great weekend. beautiful weather. saw kk and kyle's new house. had time to rest and time to PLAY with our refugee friends! this time we had options...games at the park or baking at the church. i opted for the baking. so fun to see these girls crack an egg for the first time and use a measuring cup. one of our amazing young adults at hcumc, liz, organized the day and captured some of the fun on camera...

the reminder

the best part of my day...

walking down the hall, seeing an 85yr old man sitting on the edge of his bed in a dimly lit room, and making a split decision to stop in. i introduced myself and pulled up a chair next to his bed. during the course of the conversation i learned that he has no surviving family accept 2 step children who call and come by as often as they can. i asked him what he had been thinking about. he replied that he doesn't know what he thinks anymore. his loneliness made me sad.

so why would that be the best part of my day? because for a moment i was used by God to remind this man that he is loved by God. and in that moment i was reminded of how loved i am by God too.

if you're reading this, know that regardless of where you are or who you are that God is pursuing you and loves you beyond your imagination...even when you feel like an 85yr old man sitting in a dimly lit room who doesn't know what to think anymore.

the encounter

these last couple of days in the hospital have been a blessing. in my last post i spoke about the bondage experienced by so many of those who find themselves here. i prayed that God would encounter those who are hurting...well, God's doing a pretty good job...encountering me.

i sat with this sweet woman this morning as her husband died. what a gift to be with someone during such an intimate time. she told me stories about their lives as we waited for her daughters to arrive. here is my reflection to remind me of this sacred encounter...

The Dance

"May I have this dance?"
He asked confidently.

"Of course."
She answered sweetly.

The beginning of a new life together,
where their shining moment
was a dance
in their boots
in Hollywood.

"I'll miss you."
She said tearfully.

One last breath.
He breathed peacefully.

The beginning of a new life yet again,
where their shining moment
will be a dance
in their boots
in Heaven.

To be heard by everyone.

the rollercoaster

up, up, up we go, then down so fast that it feels like our stomach is going to fall out...it's a crazy feeling. but, for me, riding a rollercoaster is totally worth it!

it's the second sunday of easter. for many, the season of lent and the celebration of our risen Lord feels like weeks ago...not just days ago. so much happens in a week. our lives go in directions we could not have imagined. many of us experience moments of doubt and fear and then thank God most of us return to a life of assurance and faith, but only by the grace of God.

i am thankful for the moments that bring me back to that life of assurance and faith in a good God who has a good plan for me. sipping on a good cup of saturday morning coffee, jump roping and playing soccer with our refugee friends, enjoying the weather, and taking little maggie for a wagon ride around the neighborhood today are little reminders that i am right where i need to be...on the rollercoaster.

tonight i will find myself on call in the hospital from 7p-7a...a place where people are most likely not experiencing the joy i experienced this weekend. sickness and disease keep them in bondage; their bodies are unable to be so free. my prayer is that God meets them right in the midst of their doubt and fear so that they may either return or find for the very first time the joy that comes from a life of assurance and faith. or maybe the joy will simply come in knowing that they are on a rollercoaster and they are not alone.

thank you, God, for sitting next to us on the ride...