the doors

so today was a little much for me to process on my own, so i am going to write about it. try and imagine being on a random floor in a huge hospital, where behind each door resides someone with a story. it's kind of surreal. i knock on the door and most of the time have NO idea what i will find on the other side. some people are alert, and many are so weak that it takes a lot for them to even acknowledge my presence. some people have a faithful family member or friend sitting by their side, and many have no one to speak of. some people kindly thank me for stopping by but have no desire to talk, and many are ready to tell this stranger their deepest thoughts, pains, and desires. it's crazy.


here is a sampling of what i found on the other side of the doors today:


a woman who was patiently waiting for a surgery where her leg was to be amputated. she had her bible open next to her and the upper room devo on her lap. she told me that god is good and that god is the only thing she needs to hold on to. she feared nothing.


the next room was a daughter combing out the hair of her drug overdosed mother who has been in a coma for 5 days. she was caring for the woman who never took the responsibility of raising her daughter, but that mattered not for this sweet young woman who had just manicured her mom's nails and who said, "god still has my momma laying down because he's talking to her, he needs to tell her how precious her life is so that she'll appreciate it and take care of it when she comes out of this. this was the only way she was gonna listen."


the next room was a middle-aged man who has no family, no job, and probably no insurance, but who said that the lord is his shepherd. i prayed with him last week and he told me he'd been waiting for me to come back so he could show me what he wrote on the wipe off board that the nurses use to put their names on, the date, etc. he'd written the 23rd psalm on it so that he could glance over and read it every time he experienced pain, which occurred more often than any of us would care to imagine. eventually he asked me if i'd pray again, so i did. then i opened my eyes to him crying, realizing that the truth he had spoken to me in those fifteen minutes was evoking an emotion in me that suddenly brought tears to my eyes.


there were a few more rooms before this last visit where i walked in on a woman whose face was swollen, and blood was streaming, not dripping, out of her nose and mouth. she was being tended to by family. i quickly said, "i'm the chaplain...i'll stop back by later." i was ready to back it on up out of there! then the woman said, no you can come in, i could use a prayer. so i scurried over to the bed and grabbed her hand, only to find that the nurse had followed me in and quickly inserted herself in the prayer circle before we bowed. i tried not to rush, but i was so worried about the bleeding. as my eyes opened i tried not to wince when i saw that the bleeding hadn't miraculously stopped...it was quite a scene, but it was obviously important for her to bow before the lord right in the middle of the suffering.


seriously...i could go into way more detail on each of these people i encountered today. each of them impacted me. even though it's hard to see so much pain, it's met with this joy in seeing that many are calling upon and trusting in the lord. i felt so close to the lord in those moments today. i can only hope that this is why:


“Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.” Then the righteous will answer him, “Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?” And the king will answer them, “Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.” Matthew 25:34-40


i feel blessed that i have been given an opportunity to serve and encounter jesus in such powerful ways. thanks be to god.

ps...then, i ended the day with kk and kyle at a yummy restaurant called reef. my time with them was life-giving. i am so thankful for their friendship. thanks for celebrating my life with me!! and, look how fun one of our desserts was!!

the birthday

I am thankful. I am content.


As I have taken moments here and there throughout the day to reflect, those are my two overwhelming thoughts. I am thankful. I am content.


The first thought is definitely not hard for me to articulate. I find myself thankful everyday for the gift of a new day, for the family and friends I have in my life, for the calling God has placed on my life, for my health…the list goes on and on. So, today is no different. I’m just extra aware. Thanks to everyone who has wished me well today. It’s been fun to hear from many of you. I love each of you for the very special part you play or have played throughout my 35 years. Yes, that’s right, 35…I have hit the next bracket on questionnaires…I actually had to fill one out at the hospital today, and I had a sobering reality check when I clicked on the radial button marked “35-40.” EEEK!


Now the second thought is not something I am ready to articulate everyday. I would really like to say that I am content all the time, but the truth is that I often find myself not fully satisfied with my “possessions, status or situation” (that is the straight up definition from Webster in case you were wondering). I often want more. I want a new outfit and a new car and a new GPS. I want to be ordained without going through the next several months of requirements. I want to be a loving spouse and a mother. Heck, I just want someone to ask me out on a date! Yep, I just said that...I'm all about speaking the truth!


HOWEVER, today I was ready to receive God’s abundant grace. Even though I still want all those things, I am ultimately satisfied deep within and the want does not consume me. As my eyes welled up with tears on my drive down I-10, and I REALLY thought about it, I am satisfied with my possessions, my status, and my situation…I am satisfied with the relationships that I have been blessed with, namely my relationship with the Lord. I know that the Lord is the only one who can satisfy the desires of my heart (Psalm 145), so it is in the Lord I will rest today and forever. This reality gives me a peace that surpasses my understanding, so yet again, I am thankful. May God continue to pour out this grace on all of us and may we all be ready to receive it, so that we have the strength to say with confidence each day, “I am thankful. I am content.”

the hold

holding hands has always been something significant for me. it's hard to explain, but grasping the hand of another person makes one feel connected and at the core of us i think we all have a deep desire to feel connected to something other than ourselves. it's in our nature. we were created in the image of God, an intimate connection between the father, son and holy spirit, we were created for the purpose of loving and being connected to God, and we are commanded to love and be connected to our neighbor. well, this deep desire was fulfilled for a moment for me today.

as i approached her bed i suspected that she was asleep. just as i was about to turn and walk away, she opened her eyes and then locked them with mine, so i introduced myself. to my surprise, she was unable to respond with words. she just stared at me. i was stuck. how was i to communicate with someone who could not speak to me? i patted her hand and muddled something to the effect of "i just wanted to stop by to see how you were doing. may god bless you and keep you."

i was ready to leave. i was uncomfortable. but just as i was about to turn again, she grabbed my hand. all of the sudden this weak woman had a strong hold of my hand and would not let go. she began making sounds, trying to speak, but i understood nothing. i smiled and nodded. her grip grew tighter. she "spoke" to me for about 3-5 minutes, which felt like eternity. my heart was breaking, and i wanted to know so badly what she was saying to me but her stroke was preventing that. a few tears gently rolled down her cheek. i apologized for not understanding.

it took me a while to get there, but i finally got to a place where i realized i could say things/ask her things that only required a head nod. i remember saying "you know God loves you, don't you?" she nodded yes. "you know God is with you, knows your every thought and understands you perfectly, right?" she nodded yes. then a word i understood: PRAY. i asked her if she wanted me to pray for her and she nodded yes. after the prayer was over she clearly articulated, "THANK YOU." then a tear gently rolled down my cheek. she still had a hold of my hand. i promised her i would come back tomorrow.

the reality is that i could have sat there and held her hand all day long. although i was unable to communicate with her in a way that was comfortable to me, i was blessed by feeling connected to another human being in the presence of God. i don't know if i met her needs today, but a deep desire of mine was satisfied and that is a gift i will treasure forever. never underestimate the significance of holding another's hand.

the test

so sunday was my first on-call. 7am - 7pm. doesn't sound that bad, but 12hrs of non-stop responding to the needs of people in the hospital is exhausting. it was nothing like my first on-call at children's in dallas. that first night the pager never went off, the phone never rang and the computer never spit out one referral. i think i had half of plano praying for me that night.

well, maybe i should have requested more prayers for this one. sunday was like test day. after two weeks of orientation, most of what i learned was put into action. procedures when someone dies, when there is a code blue, when someone needs to fill out a medical power of attorney/advanced directive form, when we have worship, etc. it all happened. all in one day. i started my day with a family who lost a loved one and ended the day with another. however, i was reminded that it is such a gift to be a part of such a life-changing and intimate moment in a family's life.

by far the most memorable experience of the day: after a few hours of conversation and pastoral support, i was holding the hand of a woman at the time the doctor came out to tell her that her mom died during surgery. that woman was just as much holding my hand though...her faith was strong...she taught me a lot about God that day. i shed tears with her as we gave thanks for God receiving her into his loving arms. i was so moved by this woman. i may never see her again, but she will always be a part of me. if this is a foretaste to the rest of the year, i am in for quite a feast...

the place

slowly but surely i am finding my place here. the weekend was a good reminder of why i was drawn to move to houston. friday night we celebrated my friend bryan's birthday. we gathered at the original ninfa's for a yummy dinner on the patio (i strongly recommend) and then went bowling...my mad skills snuck out the first game (114), but something happened second game (83)! i met some beautiful new people, and it was a great way to end a long week. thanks to bryan for giving us a reason to get together!

saturday morning i took a long walk at memorial hermann park in the museum/med center district. as you can see, it resembles the reflection pool and monument in washington d.c. it's near the houston zoo too. it was also museum district day, so lots of people were out and about. i loved the activity. i loved the scenery. i loved the time that i spent with the lord.

saturday night i reunited with two different groups from a&m. party #1 was a "sip and see" for our friend kenny and angelique. they welcomed zander into the world in april and we finally had our play date! zander was one of 5 kids at our party...what a difference a few years make. party #2 was a housewarming party for one of my college roommates. i reconnected with a girl that i went to europe with my senior year at a&m. we already have plans to do stuff with an organization called houston young people for the arts. it's nice to have another fun single girl my age to get out and socialize with.

with each day comes something new. i learn a new road, stumble upon a new fun coffee shop or find a local florist with bargains that make me smile. my new favorite place to buy fresh flowers: river oaks plant house. i bought hydrangeas for our sip and see, and i came home and arranged them to look like the picture...$2.95 a stem!!

i have lots to be thankful for. i am blessed. and ultimately, truth for me is that i will always have a place. regardless of how long it takes to be familiar with my physical surroundings, my place is resting in the hands of the lord. this is a place that transcends all else, and it's a place i never have to leave.

the bomb

ok. it has taken me a while to process everything that has gone in the last week. here's the first of a few posts today.

last thursday took me out of the hospital for the day. the destination: atascocita, texas. random small town in the northeast houston area. the reason: to meet my dcm group. the small group i was put in to journey with this year (really the next 7mos) pre-ordination. in short the group gathers to "support" each other through the process...most of the day was spent venting. i practiced my listening skills a lot.

then, we went to the local mexican food restaurant for lunch and that is where the bomb dropped. one, thankfully for us, over-achiever had a checklist with everything we have to do before december 18th. i started sweating at the table and it was not from the salsa. a 15pg paper answering doctrinal questions, a 6-8 week bible study, a preached sermon, a psychological exam, a physical, and some other random forms. now, to be honest i kind of expected all this...that was not the bomb. then i was asked, "have you had an advanced preaching class?" well, no...i am on the deacon track...not called to be an every sunday preacher. apparently that doesn't matter.

i knew this whole transfer into the texas annual conference and being ordained a year earlier thing had been too smooth. this conference requires two preaching classes no matter what, and i've only had one. the result: i will be applying to take a class at houston graduate school of theology every tuesday night from mid-october to february...if i don't, i can't even go before the board of ordained ministry this year. i seriously want to cry just thinking about it. what a process...almost 8yrs in the making. it was already hard for me to imagine juggling the other requirements with all the CPE (hospital program) writing and now this. oh, and did i mention that the course is $1260? what's that verse about running the race with perseverance??? i'm trying to keep my eye on the prize, but to be honest it's a little hard to focus on right now.

the shoes

feast your eyes on pure goodness. i am now a proud owner of these shoes in both black and brown. how does it make me feel? well, i am mourning the fact that i will rarely, if ever, wear a cute shoe to work as long as i am a chaplain. and then if that's not bad enough, these shoes totally dictate the wardrobe, which means borderline boring and conservative. you know me, i am all about a little sass, especially in the shoe department, something to catch the eye of another. well, those days are over for a while. these clogs by dansko are far from sassy (and i had to take out a small loan to purchase them), but they do meet one of my criteria...they make me smile! they felt like butta on my feet today! you should have seen me at 7:30am this morning at "scrubs and beyond" in the med center when i put one on my foot...i couldn't get the other one on fast enough. the salesperson told me that it must be my lucky day because they usually never have both colors in my size in stock because they are so popular in the medical profession...i'd like to think that God was just looking out for me...i mean who wants a visit from a chaplain who is thinking more about her feet than you, the patient?

speaking of visits...i had some amazing ones today. my first psych patient, one post brain surgery and one who just had a halo put on. God taught me a lot about hope today and reminded me of the importance of a community of faith. we just weren't meant to live our lives alone.

the gift

i feel like i just got home from a mission trip or a lock-in. i am exhausted. i had no idea that this schedule change would affect me in such a way. each morning i left at 6:30am and arrived back at my car around 6:30pm. i walked miles around the hospital. i tried a new pair of shoes everyday and am still not sure i have the right ones. i cried on the inside a lot due to my swollen feet and blisters (running a close second to my 3day walk experience). but, i did it all with a smile on my face begging God to give me the strength i needed to get through the day, and God did.

here are some of the highlights:

many conversations with the staff chaplains, who all inspired me as i watched them work on their floors.

seeing God in the faces of nurses and housekeeping staff around the hospital.

taking communion at our thursday morning prayer service (i am excited that i will have that each week again...it was very formative duirng my three years at duke)

receiving my unit assignment...neurological icu, neurosurgery, surgical observation, a medical floor dealing with renal and diabetes patients, and some involvement in the psychiatry unit.

making my first visit with the night chaplain in neuro icu at 11:30pm on friday night where a man was actively dying...we prayed with the family who was beginning to realize the state of their loved one and anointed the patient with oil and prayer. it was this sacred and still moment in a room tucked away in this hospital where the days are filled with thousands of moving people and no lack of noise. i left the hospital after midnight full of life when physically there was little life left in me. as i began my journey home, i gave God thanks and praise for calling me and allowing me to be a part of that family for that moment. then i turned the christian radio station up in hopes to hear a good song to keep me alert only to hear the following words from the dj: "here's another prayer request. we lift up the family and loved ones of "hf" who isn't expected to make it through the night." "hf" was who i just prayed over. it was surreal, and i was alert. my eyes filled with tears and everything felt right.

so, as i sit here with coffee, homemade scones and house shoes i have two thoughts: one, i think i am going to find new meaning of and appreciation for sabbath! and two, i am up for being exhausted, blistered and pushed knowing that i will probably continue to receive gracious gifts from God like i did last night. that's who God is...the giver of good gifts. i look forward to being overwhelmed by God's love for his people as each day passes.

ps: it's kind of tricky sharing my experiences with you because of hippa laws and patient confidentiality, so there will never be any details...only my personal reflections and use of abbreviations or alias names.

the second day

"welcome new residents!" that was the sign on the door of the spiritual care department at the methodist hospital today. it was a great day. i met lots of people and firsthand experienced what everyone says about the culture at tmh...everyone is so nice and will do just about anything to help you. here's a peek into my day:

*morning report...everyone gathers first thing to get a heads up on patients from the night before and pray for the ministry to be done that day.
*morning worship...how awesome is it that i get to start every day with worship in the chapel!?!
*orientation part 1 of who knows how many...we exchanged our basic stories. we are made up of 3 men, 3 women/1 from korea, 1 from fiji, 1 from india, 3 from texas/2 singles, 1 widowed, 3 married with kids/1 catholic, 2 methodists, 2 presbyterians, 1 baptist...can you say DIVERSITY?

*review of the next two weeks...i am shadowing the on call chaplain on friday night from 9-12am, and my first on call by myself is a 12hr shift on sunday, sept 13th from 7am-7pm.
*the ceremonial handing over of the pager and the office key...i have always wanted to carry a pager and now i have one to carry with me 24/7 for the next year.
*shadowing...we will shadow a different staff chaplain each day through thursday so that on friday we can select the unit/chaplain that we want to work with for the next 6months.
*the journey home...hopped off the rail a few stops early to meet stephanie who was near the med center so she could expedite her ride home in the HOV. however, i randomly ran into our friend emily as i was crossing the street to meet steph, and we all ended up at an undisclosed location for a beverage and a little debriefing on the day.

with all that being said, i think one of my favorite parts of the day was my 15 minute break in crane garden, a.k.a. the lobby, listening to the pianist (yes, it's kind of like a fancy hotel or nordstrom's where the guy is just playing the piano). it was melodic and calming. and then just when i closed my eyes for a little meditation, he busted out with "i'm yours" by jason mraz!! i wanted to sit on the piano and sing along. don't worry, i refrained. it didn't seem appropriate for the chaplain, especially on her second day.